Friday, March 2, 2012

Judgement

I could never do anything right.  I was never good enough.  It seemed the harder I tried, the more critical she became.  The more she was out of control, the harsher her words. My mother suffered from bipolar disorder most of her 80 years on this earth.  I swore, when I was pregnant with my first daughter, I would stop the cycle of dysfunctional behavior and be the best mother I could be.  And I did.  But, what happened was I became so critical of myself, placing the same high expectations I tried to live up to on those around me.  And when others couldn't live up to my expectations, I judged.  Back then, I wouldn't have called it judging. Maybe caring too much for normalcy? It was critical to my well-being my loved ones felt confident, successful, and loved.  If I was passionate about something, there was no changing my mind.  I was right and would fight to prove it.  I know I hurt people along the way with my stubbornness, and only by the grace of God did my daughters mature into confident, successful, loving women.  And, despite my strictness and high expectations when they were growing up, they still love me!  The older I get, the more I see how we are all a product of our environment.  But, remember, our way of doing things and what we think is right does not always mean others are wrong. It is ok to judge an action, but never the person committing the act. I am thankful for my childhood because it made me who I am today. The compassion I developed through life with Mother continues today in my personal life and in my career as a Registered Nurse.  I loved my mother very much (she passed away 5 years ago) and thankful God chose me to be one of her daughters.

In today's Gospel, Jesus speaks point blank about judging others:

“Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar, and there recall that your brother has anything against you, leave your gift there at the altar, go first and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Settle with your opponent quickly while on the way to court. Otherwise your opponent will hand you over to the judge, and the judge will hand you over to the guard, and you will be thrown into prison. Amen, I say to you, you will not be released until you have paid the last penny." Mt 5: 23-26

In Heaven Speaks to Soldiers (see link on the right), St. Augustine provides why we should leave the judging up to God:

“Do not judge others. Why would you judge when you have Jesus alongside you to do that? It would be like thinking you can do a better job than God and I know you do not think like this. So let Jesus judge and do the best you can to bring Him into each situation. My dear friend, my fellow apostle, Jesus knows you do not want to hurt others.”

I have come a long way from the days of comparing others to the high expectations I place on myself.  My journey in climbing the mountain to heaven is different than every other person on the face of this earth.  Focus on your own path, and let others figure out their journey at their own pace.  

Thank you, Lord, for understanding my humanness and the temptation to be quick to judge.  Help me focus on my own journey always! I am so blessed you have chosen me to be part of Your Renewal!

God bless,
Bonnie




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