Forgive and Ask For Forgiveness

The devil always chooses the weakest link to prey on.  He plays with low self-esteem like a game of Twister, causing confusion, fear and despair.  Sensitivity runs high, and egos easily bruise.  Why do we let evil cloud our judgement causing hatred to spew out?  Even at those we are closest to, our own families.  Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined an attack from those whom I was closest.  No way.  Not my family.  We had been through so much in our lifetime.  We were glued at the hip.  Bound to each other.

The more my love for this apostolate grew, the more I wanted to focus on heaven instead of the world.  But a tumultuous childhood caused defects in my personality.  I was ultra-sensitive to any criticism, insult or mood swing.  This trait runs in my family.  A mentally ill mother spouting all your insufficiencies; never being able to do enough to make her happy makes one become quite defensive.  The Volumes made me calmer, able to handle insults, forgiving easier and faster.  Drawn to evangelizing anyone who’d listen, I began to really change inside.  I wanted to clear all the junk out of my life.  TV had become boring and offensive.  Shows I loved for the excitement and drama bordered on indecency.  Christ was nowhere to be found.  In the process of cleaning up my life for Jesus, I offended a close relative.  In my heart, I was doing it for Him.  I was taking a stand.  I tried to be as nice as I could without revealing all the reasons for my decision.  Didn’t work.  It was no longer between the two of us.  My entire family was drawn into the situation.  The assault was rapid and venomous.  I attempted to apologize via email to no avail.  World War III had erupted. 

The old Bonnie would have sent a letter defending her actions, which would only fuel the fire.  I had an entire email typed out detailing why I was justified in my decision.  Before I hit the send button, the Lord prompted me to get up and take a walk.  Humility.  Humility.  Take the hit.  I went back, deleted that email, and sent another one in its place apologizing again.  I just didn’t have the energy or the need to fight. Months went by with no communication.  I attempted phone calls, but things had changed.  Relationships were no longer the same.  A bond was broken and damaged beyond repair. 

In February 2009 I attended an Evening of Renewal to see and hear Anne a lay apostle a few weeks before Lent began.  I took advantage of going to confession while there.  My struggle to forgive was eating me alive.  I would say I had forgiven when in reality, my heart was still broken.  I entered the confessional greeted by a cheerful priest waiting for the next sinner to enter.  I explained my inability to forgive in this particular situation and my worry due to the length of time to recover.  He gave me some very good advice: to give up worrying about forgiving for Lent.  To pray for these family members and repeat the Glory Be whenever it crossed my mind.  He promised by the end of Lent my heart would be healed.  Sounds good to me, I thought.  It should be easy giving up worry, right?  Well, it wasn’t as easy as I thought.  But, I managed to do as he suggested and by Easter, my heart had healed about 90%. 

The week after Easter during daily Mass, Father mentioned the word rejection.  That word never crossed my mind . . . rejection.  This loved one felt rejected by me.  All the other stuff that erupted didn’t matter anymore.  I had to do the right thing.  Be humble.  Ask for forgiveness.  Blocking out all the hurtful emails aimed at me was a chore.  I needed to bring in the Big Guns.  I needed all of heaven to help me.  Then I remembered the Heaven Speaks to Those Who Struggle to Forgive booklet.  Until this point, I never felt the need for it.  I had learned so much from the Volumes.  But, boy, I needed it now.  The Blessed Mother summed it all up for me in this:

“I want to explain something to you so that you know that we understand your predicament. Your difficulty in forgiving is understandable. I had to forgive those who crucified my Son.”

Point taken.  Her words gave me the strength I needed to make a call to ask for forgiveness.  About to hit the send button on my phone, I threw in a little request for Jesus.  “Best case scenario, Jesus, would be voicemail.  But Your will be done!”  The phone rang.  Aw, shucks, voicemail.  It gave me the opportunity to say what I needed to say and ask for forgiveness, staying focused on my offense of rejection. 

Once I started talking, it became easier and easier to continue.  I truly, in my heart, felt and wanted forgiveness.  No matter the outcome, I had to do the right thing, in Jesus’ eyes.  I was on cloud nine after hanging up.   As I’ve gotten to know Christ, really know Him, all I want to do is make Him happy, pleased with His little lay apostle.  And, humility’s not such a bad thing after all.

I love todays Gospel (Matthew 18:21-19:1)!  It always reminds me of reading it to my oldest daughter at a time when she was struggling to forgive:

Peter approached Jesus and asked him, “Lord, if my brother sins against me, how often must I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus answered, “I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times. That is why the Kingdom of heaven may be likened to a king who decided to settle accounts with his servants. When he began the accounting, a debtor was brought before him who owed him a huge amount. Since he had no way of paying it back, his master ordered him to be sold, along with his wife, his children, and all his property, in payment of the debt. At that, the servant fell down, did him homage, and said, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back in full.’ Moved with compassion the master of that servant let him go and forgave him the loan.

When that servant had left, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a much smaller amount. He seized him and started to choke him, demanding, ‘Pay back what you owe.’ Falling to his knees, his fellow servant begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’ But he refused. Instead, he had the fellow servant put in prison until he paid back the debt. Now when his fellow servants saw what had happened, they were deeply disturbed, and went to their master and reported the whole affair. His master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you your entire debt because you begged me to. Should you not have had pity on your fellow servant, as I had pity on you?’ Then in anger his master handed him over to the torturers until he should pay back the whole debt. So will my heavenly Father do to you, unless each of you forgives his brother from his heart.”

And in the Heaven Speaks to Those Who Struggle to Forgive booklet, another valuable lesson from Jesus:

"It is clear to Me that many suffer from hidden wounds. The only way for these wounds to heal is for the carrier of the wound to forgive the one who inflicted the injury. My dear child, this can be difficult. When a wound finds a home in the heart, it becomes comfortable there. It must be loosened and shifted. Both a willingness to forgive and a spirit of forgiveness are necessary because it is these things that make the wound uncomfortable. The wound then begins to dislodge. This reawakens the pain but only temporarily until the wound is removed altogether."

Lay apostles, take the time to read all the Heaven Speaks booklets, even if you think you don't need them. Every one of them contain messages from our Savior, the Blessed Mother or cherished saints. And every one of them include a message we all can relate to in one way or another. You might even discover a hurt or struggle hidden so deep you were unaware of the damage it was causing your soul. 

Thank you, Lord, for creating in me a need to forgive and ask for forgiveness. Less anger and hurt equals a much happier and serene Bonnie!

God bless,

Bonnie